Sexual addiction takes many forms, but in essence it can be summed up this way: our sexual or romantic behaviors lead to negative consequences, yet we continue them.  In many cases, the consequences get worse and worse over time.  More and more hours spent surfing pornography or masturbating compulsively, more and more time spent obsessing over a new love interest, more and more lies and secrets to keep behavior out of the awareness of loved ones.  Sometimes the consequences are overt and obvious; other times it's about missed opportunities: we lose the opportunity to have a full and rich life because of how preoccupied we are with acting out behaviors.

Sex and relationship addictions are painful, for addicts themselves and for their partners and loved ones.  Most addicts try repeatedly to stop their acting out behaviors, but cannot.  They find that they need additional help.  

Healing Sexual Addiction

My approach to healing sexual addiction is grounded in my own experience with this addiction and recovery and in my experience working with many recovering people as a therapist both in residential treatment and outpatient counseling.

Central to our work together is the art of relationship and attachment.  Most sex addicts did not get the amount of love and connection they needed.  As a result, they have become one- person psychological systems.  Even though many forms of sexual acting out look like connection, they are usually poor substitutes for the real thing.

A huge part of recovery is repairing the ability to relate and attach healthily.  With this addiction, it just won't be enough to try to give up the acting out.  We have to develop the kind of healthy relationships we want as well.  I often think of a happy life as a beautiful garden: you must pull the weeds, but even more so, you must tend the beautiful plants you wish to grow.  A major emphasis of sex addiction recovery is creating the rich and fulfilling life that you want, in addition to giving up the behaviors you don't.

For most clients, I recommend individual psychotherapy 1-2 times weekly and participation in group psychotherapy, alongside participation in 12-step programs if these feel helpful to the client. 

"The deep wisdom of sex   addiction is the recognition that to heal, we must connect.  The problem is, in our addiction we attempt to connect in ways that harm us.  Our work, then, is to honor the deep hunger that underlies our addiction by learning to give and receive love in ways that satisfy our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls."

-from Trauma, Addiction,and the Curriculum of the Soul (forthcoming)